When she placed him in my arms, my whole body released a tension I didn’t realize it carried and simultaneously grew a necessary wound in my heart.
The gravity of a tiny life—which wasn’t tiny at all—shifted my whole world, changing me.
I breathed in his sweetness, only to exhale a gripping understanding of the sacred moments I was living.
There in the hospital we existed in complete complexity: immense and unexplainable joy crashing right into immeasurable grief and tragedy.
I could have never prepared for the sacred weight those moments held: his first mama placing him into my arms to become his mama.
Those moments changed me. Those moments of her deeming me worthy to be mother to her son changed me in ways difficult to process.
As I transitioned from childless and waiting to full arms and full heart...so much of myself changed.
Or maybe I simply became more of who I was created to be.
Either way, He has been using motherhood to transform me by placing a magnifying glass over my greatest weaknesses and strengths.
As she handed her son to me, making me mama, I stepped further into who He created me to be.
A confidence I hadn’t yet experienced bubbled up inside of me as I grabbed ahold of the commitment to protect, serve, and raise my new son with everything I had.This confidence created in me a bold courage I didn’t otherwise have.
Simultaneously a humility laid into me, bringing to focus the reality that I had so much to learn and so far to grow. A humility reminding me continuously that he is hers in a way he’ll never be mine, and vice versa. A humility reminding me there are so many hurt humans walking around due to their parents lack of humility...and I was not about to step into parenthood thinking I knew it all.