FinallyI am shedding the shell that has clung to my soul all too well. Farewell to you, unwanted layer of pride.
The layers are deep but I have the Slayer of all sin who is committed to making me clean.
No longer do I feel the obligation to meet everyone's needs upon immediate observation; the realization hit me hard when I concluded that my heart was becoming charred. I was selfish in taking no regard to the fact that I cannot meet everyone's need. The urgency of friendship, indeed is important and essential, yes. But to expect myself to befriend all is completely mental. I was not made to stretch my heart so thin that I become resentful. No, my Creator has plans for my heart and I was getting in the way, tearing it apart. Yes, I am to love all. As a Christian, that is my call. But to view myself as the one to crawl through this city, joining every single committee, lending myself as the ultimate assistant, is severely unhealthy. It is mere pride, clearly.
I now can see that the people of utmost beauty are those who are gentle and quiet, the ones who are not constantly making a riot. So I pray for a Spirit, character of such that I would be able to touch the lives of many, for His glory, not mine, through gentle love, quiet & divine. To trust my God accept His authority and know in my heart that His people are His priority. That it is His role to do the redeeming & through the people He is deeming. I crave to be purely reverent before my King, so that through me He may restore a score of stings. But only if He chooses to use me: no more of this forced jubilee. I must learn to be honest with myself just as I promised to be honest to others; for if I cannot be authentic to myself or my God, how can I expect to be honest to my brothers? Oh, to uncover this mystery! This mystery of dishonesty towards self.. but trust me, people, we can have victory! "Overwhelming victory through Christ is ours" if we are willing to let Christ empower.
- - - - - - -
It is freeing to learn that until it is my turn, I am not called to burn my heart by running without concern, until the Lord Himself affirms "yes, go." It is prideful to assume I must be one to help all, consuming a monsoon. I was growing immune to humility, carrying this inability to say "no," and ultimately cultivating a heart of instability.
I have no choice but to rely on my God not myself, to deny the voice of my flesh and compose a noise of rejoicing to the King, who will enjoy such praise. Such reliance, as I gain Him as my alliance oh there will be triumph! To be a team on a mission rather than oneself running on selfish ambition, the condition of my heart is not one of opposition, as my position progresses from resistance to total submission, I note that the disposition of my salvation is based off of Christ's remission.