"Oh you're going to be busy..."
Indeed. Thank you for letting me know.
I cannot tell you how many times I have been told this in the last 14 weeks since we brought Sage home. It's true, you've spoken the obvious: we are going to be busy with 2 babies under 6 months. The comment "You're going to be busy" tends to crawl under my skin - I always want to shove a million questions back down their throat, "So are you suggesting I quit now? I get rid of one of my babies? Aren't all moms busy? Since when is there a wrong way to build your family? What are your thoughts and intentions behind those words? Are you suggesting we are idiots? Are you suggesting we should not have adopted Sage into our family? Because if you are, I might punch you. Are you suggesting we have not thought of that or don't know what we are doing?"
Well who ever actually knows what they're doing?
My dear grandparents (not being the first in my family or circle to say this) had their head about bitten off when they said to me that we were "going to be busy, we have no idea how busy we are going to be". After I told them I was "tired of hearing that" and that "we know we are going to be busy", I was SO embarrassed and felt like the biggest jerk ever in the entire world. My grandparents should have the freedom to tell me things they want to tell me, and not have to fear my blunt honesty...aka my biting defensive attitude. I love them so much, they love us and Sage. When I bit back in defensiveness, it dawned on me how much I was frustrated by these comments.
I should probably get used to comments that frustrate me - especially due to the fact that I open myself up for unwanted comments by mere strangers, simply by having an honest blog space. And you know, being on social media ever.
Our first born will be almost on his way to crawling when his little brother is birthed into the world of oxygen and chaos and the complex, beautiful adventure of learning to love. Our second born will be, well, just that: newly born. Eating on the hour, diaper changed so constantly we may as well not put a diaper on, and all of the other truly precious honors that come with caring for a tiniest body that carries an actual soul. When Loren is at work for 40-50 hours of the week, I may be walking around like Zombie Mama making sure Big Brother doesn't eat the floor goodies and Little Brother is ensuring I am the newest Milk Machine, all the while pouring orange juice into my coffee because I was sure it was creamer... But this is our greatest adventure so far: caring for two tiny boys, fragile to life itself, learning what it means to breathe and exist and adventure and be family...be human...love others.
I know that the busyness of mommy-ing is different from any other busyness [and my toes have barely dipped into the water]. But we are used to busy because life is busy. Yes this busy of unique family building is different, but this is perhaps my favorite busy so far. We have the utmost privilege of kissing chubby cheeks and squishy toes and little lips. Of cleaning up bodily-function-messes, of feeding mouths, of soothing tears. We have the honor of caring so intimately for these precious little man-sons, teaching them patience and love and compassion and what it means to see others. This is the best kind of busy in my book.
All moms are busy. All dads are busy. People are busy.
When I worked 40+ hours a week NIGHT SHIFT while also going to college full time, no one looked at me with concern and warning saying, "You look/are busy." And I was going insane. I cried all the times that I was awake. I never got the crazy looks I get now. To me, it seems as though that insanity was more honorable in others' eyes than the ongoing life of caring for human-babes. And maybe you do deem that more honorable...and that's whatever. But I love the journey God is taking us on.
No doubt in my mind I'll be tired. I already am tired.
I have hit 34 weeks pregnant and tired has a new meaning to me. I can no longer work on my computer for 2-4 hours a day, do all of the laundry, groceries, cook, cleaning, errands, hand-dish-washing, and exercise all the while caring for my sweet Sage. Oh and napping? Right. The daily tasks are being cut and I am learning a new life of flexibility. Did I mention bending over every 15 minutes because my butter fingers drop everything I touch? That in itself feels like an Olympic endeavor. Sage still wakes up every 2-3 hours at night to eat, sometimes only 3 times, but sometimes up to 5. I am rolling out of bed, literally rolling and grunting, to make a pit stop at the bathroom on the way to the kitchen because the last movement of rolling out of bed was squeezing more liquid into my small bladder, and all I can think about is how I can't wait until Loren makes coffee. I am tired now. I imagine I will be tired continuously for the next... well I don't know how long. But tired is tired, and I still have more joy than I have ever experienced, despite the tired. So yes, dear friends, I am going to be tired and I already am tired, but that doesn't mean life is horrible or that we regret any of this or that I would trade an inch of it.
When we found out I was pregnant again, we both agreed that our adoption journey was not to stop. Our hearts knew to keep going, taking life as it is: an adventure. At one point, we presented to an expectant mom who was making an adoption plan for her twins. TWINS. We were open to having not only two under 6 months, but 3 within 3 months.
Rolling with the adventure of life makes the journey joy-filled. Especially when you have the freedom to be honest about it all: in the ugly grief and suffering as well as the beautiful joys and blessings. When living honestly with Jesus about every fragment of life, you feel the freedom to fully and abundantly live every fragment of life. I am living that freedom and Jesus has never been more apparent to me than when I feel I can be honest with Him and He speaks sweetness right back to me.
We had hoped and prayed to grow by 4 feet in 2016. My crazy prayer was that by Christmas 2016, we would have two littles. We chose this as much as we could, though we also knew it was possible we wouldn't. To us, the busyness of raising two babies, brothers, is the best kind of busy. Maybe not for you, and that is okay. We feel doubly blessed despite the doubly tired. I am loving this crazy adventure so much I can't even put words to it. My heart is on fire with love.
So yes! We are going to be VERY busy! Our hands are going to be VERY full! Just like most mamas and daddies who have kids. But to us, this is the best kind of busy. Not only are our hands going to be full, but so are our hearts. I wouldn't trade these boys for the world.
PS. You have permission to tell me how busy I am going to be as long as I have permission to state that it is the best kind of busy and I am used to busy and life is busy. I may go Mama Bear on you in defensiveness, assuming you are saying we've made a mistake, our boys are a mistake- and for that, for the assuming, I am sorry. We both know what assuming does..
PPS. I am about to order our Twingo. Thank you birthday money from multiple people, I cannot wait to wear our two boys! Lorens stoked too. He is a baby-wearer. He wears babies well.