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Image by Angie at Heartstrings Photography in Corvallis, OR

Image by Angie at Heartstrings Photography in Corvallis, OR

The Loss in Motherhood

July 11, 2017

I love motherhood.

I longed for motherhood, I waited and I hoped. I ached to snuggle a newborn as my own, to be forced to my knees in ways I hadn't been, to enter the glorious mess making up motherhood.

Transitioning to motherhood felt easy, even natural to me. I felt myself becoming more of who I already was. The hardest part of my motherhood journey so far was waiting for it to begin. 

Though I love and cherish and adore being a mama—it's what I wanted and even more—I won't deny this:

there is

loss

in

motherhood. 

Whether motherhood came to you unexpectedly and too soon—without warning—, right on time, or far longer than you had hoped...the motherhood journey is not without loss.

But I'm wary to even post this blog. I'm wary because of fear: what if people think I'm complaining, when I'm not? What if people think I'm wishing we didn't have two one year olds, when I don't? What if people think I expected motherhood to be easy, when I didn't? What if people misunderstand?

I've decided time and time again, I will always be misunderstood. So I will write and hope and share to give a voice to the voiceless. There are so many mamas who feel the loss in motherhood, but don't feel the permission to grieve it.

I'm all about giving a voice to loss in our lives...but the loss accompanying the motherhood journey is something I struggle to give space to. I fear if I allow myself to take note of any sort of loss accompanying motherhood, I am denying the absolute privilege and gift of it.

But this is not true.

I write for you, mama, who needs to know I see there is loss in the gift of motherhood. You have permission to acknowledge that loss, too—just as you have permission to acknowledge and grieve any other loss.

It doesn't make you less of a good mom, it makes you a whole mom. A human mom.

the loss in motherhood, virtual twins

Motherhood demands so much of you, nearly all of you. It seeps into every aspect of life, touching pieces you didn't even think of it touching, demanding sacrifices you had no idea needed made.

Becoming a mama requires you deny much of yourself: your impatience, your hobbies, your sleep, your cleanliness and hygiene, your spontaneity, your being on time always, your perfectly clean and organized home, certain friendships, what you thought a day should look like, easy date nights, peaceful car rides, and more. There is always more.

Because motherhood becomes so much of you, basically all other areas of your life fall away or are greatly affected.

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Motherhood consumes so much of you, you lose parts of who you once were. This isn't bad, it's simply reality.

Your marriage relationship often gets the last bits of you, the fragments of exhaustion and weariness. And sex? Wait, that's a thing?

For me, this is the greatest loss—or transition—in becoming a mama: this learning the new dance of what our marriage can be. I love LB more than anything. I love life with LB. He is one of God's greatest gifts of grace in my life.

Our life together is such a trip of delight and I wouldn't want anyone else with me on this joy ride. But we have to work incredibly hard to meet one another, to simply make eye contact, to tend to each other's souls during this time. This time of raising two of the sweetest little humans is not easy; it's not without tears and learning and sacrifice and I'm sorrys.

Our life is infused with I'm sorrys.

We have made marriage counseling a priority in our budget and time; it's one of my favorite parts of our month because it is time set apart to connect on heart level, without interruptions or defensiveness. We know we are there to wholly see one another and be on one another's team. We are on the same team.

I know we are being knit closer and closer during this intense time life. 

It's often difficult for me to acknowledge the losses in motherhood, mainly because I love being a mama so dang much.  I don't want anyone to misunderstand and think I'm complaining when I'm not. 

But I am learning I can simultaneously give loss and difficult transitions a voice—not deny it—and continue to be entirely grateful. 

the loss in motherhood, virtual twins, adoption blog, loss blog

The loss in motherhood is vast and wide spread, undeniable, and varies for each of us.

But I would dare to say these losses aren't irrevocable.

I would dare to say, for me, it's is less of a loss and more of a transition: I am trading my [im]perfectly [un]organized life for heaps of glorious chaos and bounties of blessings. 

We are transitioning our marriage to a new dance, one with diapers and sleeplessness and tickle fights and food thrown on the floor.

I am trading my perfectly set apart Bible studying and prayer quiet time...for a deeper hunger and thirst for Him in the unseen moments of motherhood. In the losses of motherhood, I am driven closer to the Father's heart, because I know I desperately need Him.

There is certainly space to grieve the loss of what we thought motherhood would be or give voice to the losses of life before.

But I'm learning to see the new me as a much fuller and wholesome me: a wreck of a raw human, relentlessly trying to love these tiny treasures well, learning the difficult dance of patience and sacrifice and I'm sorrys. 

Babies grow into toddlers and then kids and then teens and before we know it, they're [hopefully] out of the house. We'll find ourselves back in spaces of empty nests and perfectly clean windows, poopless carpets, time to do whatever we want to do, much sooner than we expect.

So though I give voice to the loss of motherhood—the losing of parts of myself and what life once was—I also acknowledge I've gained far more than I've lost.

I've grown and been stretched, I'm grateful beyond measure,  and no matter the cost, I'm thankful for motherhood. 

To me, motherhood is more of a gift than not.

But hear this: it's okay if you're not there yet. 

It's okay if you need to just sit in the loss and process what life once was or what you thought life would be.


grief book, work book, loss work book, grief work book
In Mama Bear
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natalie brenner, foster mom, adoptive mom, transracial family, author, photographer
hi there.

Welcome to my small corner of the world! This is the sacred space I pour my heart out into words, written for you to hopefully inch a bit towards fullness. 

I'm a photographer, writer, and mom. I write about: Jesus and justice, adoption, foster care, and the sanctifying mess of grief. 

I'm the #1 New Release author of This Undeserved Life, which is the story of me surrendering my sorrow by grabbing ahold of it.

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Trauma, Dysregulation, and the Brain — What All Foster + Adoptive Parents Should Know

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This is What Makes Transracial Adoptions Fail — with Rhonda Roorda

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To My Secondborn: Our Meeting Wasn't Magical [Birth Trauma]

I Knew I Loved You Before I Knew You

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Adoption. It made me mama + it made me his — I have the best side of the situation. Adoption. It wrecks me and remakes me and humbles me and stirs up wells of passion in me. Adoption. Without the brokenness and not-meant-to-be-ness of it, I wouldn’t be the one to kiss him and support him him and be his safe person. Without tragedy and loss and trauma, he wouldn’t be my son or Ira’s brother. Adoption. One of life’s greatest opportunities for redemption and healing, but so often only deeper pain perpetuated. May I honor adoption and all the people it has wrecked and remade. May I listen to all the voices, especially the ones that make me uncomfortable.
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Sage chose a :) on one hand and a ❤️ on the other. My hand has a ♥️ and Ira’s is a smiley. Thank you @kindredand.co and @lifetimehealingllc and @adoptwell for expanding the marks of World Adoption Day.
Took my four kids to the county elections office this morning before school and talked about voting. I told them that I think + vote differently than a lot of my family, and as I have grown up I have learned to form my own opinions about the world (and our country) and how I see it operating and in what ways I want to see change happen. I told them why I am voting the way I vote, but also that as they live their own experiences and form their own belief system, they get to choose how to use their voice...their vote. 75% of my kids are of color.  50% of them are first generation Americans. May my vote serve them and their whole identity, honoring them as full human beings with the same rights and dignity + work towards true freedom that I as a straight, white, American-born woman have. It doesn’t feel as much political as it feels personal. ••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••
🗳🗳 🗳 🇺🇸 🇸🇴 🗳 🗳 🗳 🗳 🇺🇸 🇸🇴 🗳 🗳🗳
#elections2018 #ivoted #thebrennersfoster #multiculturalfamily #momoffour
With my story. With my kids’s story. With her story. With his story. With their story. With our story. You’re not finished yet. My heart after your heart first, I will trust you here and now. My Hope always set in who You are, even when I can’t see every part, I will trust You. •••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••
For you, friend, barely holding on...He’s not finished yet. For you, feeling trapped and imprisoned with no sign of a way out...He’s not finished yet. For you, wondering when motherhood will crash down your door...He’s not finished yet. For you, seeing loss and brokenness every way you turn...He’s not finished yet. For you, wondering if you’re worth more than this...He’s not finished yet. For you, grieving your life as you hoped it to be and it just so isn’t...He’s not finished yet. •••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••
You don’t play games, it’s not who You are...You’re not the type to mislead my heart. I’ve only known You to keep your word, I’ve found love at every turn. I can trust you here. One day at a time. One breath at a time. You’re not finished yet.
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Who needs the daily reminder that He’s not finished yet? 🙋🏼‍♀️🙋🏼‍♀️🙋🏼‍♀️🙋🏼‍♀️🙋🏼‍♀️🙋🏼‍♀️🙋🏼‍♀️🙋🏼‍♀️
#thebelongingco #yourenotfinishedyet #speaktruth #letterfolk #letterboard #letterboardquotes #lampandlight
We’ve been walking through worlds of transitions, so I have been diligent in having more intentional hours clocked at home with these two when sisters are at school. Sometimes I hear them giggling together while playing, their little voices raspy and sweet. It can feel like life is lived in slow motion when I stop whatever I’m doing to watch them play together. When Sage is regulated, he is the sweetest kid I have ever known in my whole existence. I could not have foreseen the incredible source of joy these two would bring this home, even as they bring their own challenges and imperfections too. They’re their own kinda magic, these two. Built in buddies for life. •••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••
#adventureswithsageandira #brennerbuds #virtualtwins #biracialtwins #brothers #gratefulmama #twoyearsold #toddlersofinstagram #siblinghoodlove
Spider-Man, Elena, Unshowered Mom With All The Kids, Lady Bug, and Horse Man. We dont match much or have extraordinary costumes...but it doesn’t matter; grateful we are together. Hair cuts and new-to-us shoes and pizza and apple cobbler-crisp with sugary Dino eggs because it’s the only oatmeal I had. Hot cocoa and hot cider and trick or treating with the best kids ever. Grateful to be theirs even when holidays are weird. Love this crew.
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#adventureswithsageandira #brennerbuds #halloween #halloweenwithkids #thebrennersfoster #fostercare #momoffour #happyhalloween #gratefulmom
I didn’t know a heart could experience so many blows as mine has and also be as full as mine is. They are my world and my heart overflows. Full hands, waaaaay fuller heart. ••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••
#adventureswithsageandira #brennerbuds #thebrennersfoster #momoffour #pumpkinpatch #falladventures #fostercare #fostercareadventures #fullhandsfullheart
Just really, really, really grateful this morning.
#adventureswithsageandira
You know, it seems like such a life altering painful blip in my journey, being a mom to five kids. It feels like I handed her over ages ago and yesterday all at once. The moments of buckling her into her car seat and crying thru goodbye, then wobbly walking as quickly as possibly back into my house to swallow a Xanax + wail in my bed will never leave me. A tsunami of grief. I was sure I was going to split down my middle and shatter across my Portland neighborhood. It was a death of many sorts. Only darkness consumed me leading up to and through that day. Sorrow invaded every piece of my body and days, loss touching all aspects of the life I was and am living. The future I hoped for and was creating suddenly dismantled. •••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••
During a recording with Mike Berry today, we talked about grief and the holiday season approaching. We talked about our losses and the losses of our kids. Our kids have so. much. loss. We can’t walk them thru their losses and grief unless we deal with ours. How can I give my kids space and permission to grieve if I haven’t even given it to myself? The other day in an interview I was asked to share about my motherhood journey...and all I could seem to think was how it was forged through loss and grief. But motherhood is the most natural part of my life, even if birthed through tragedy. ••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••
As we head into this season of giving thanks and spending time with family and having all our agony + traumas shoved right up into our faces...I am going to take it one day at a time. I am going to walk the tension of both loss and gain, joy and sorrow, woundedness and healing. I am going to be sad and grateful, as I typically tend to be. And I hope you find the space to do the same.
#chroniclesofAB
It only took reading two books, taking official the test 4 times, and listening to a million and one podcast episodes to finally discover that I am a...FOUR. I’m a four: the individualist + romantic. One of the most complicated + misunderstood personality types. I‘m so messed up and misunderstood I couldn’t even figure myself out 😂
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I deeply identified with multiple numbers and towards the end of my discovery was bouncing between thinking I was a 2 or 8. THEN low and behold, I realized I am absolutely a 4. I can see that I’m healthy and maturing in some ways but I am also seeing that I have some unfortunate areas in my life where the unhealthiness of disintegrating to the stress of type two have hurt me and others over the years. Holy dang you guys. Repression is for real.
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I’m not as self aware as I thought. It’s difficult for me to see exactly how envy is my passion or sin, playing into my instincts or struggles, so I’m digging and trying to see myself more clearly. FOURS, how does envy play itself out in your life? In what ways do you experience it most? Also, who is a four in my little IG community!? Tag a four or tell meeeeee 🤘🏼
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#enneagram #typefour #enneagram4 #typology #personalitytypes #emotionalwellness #healingjourney #theroadbacktoyou
My life has been shaken to its core over the last two months, flipped upside down, tossed around and thrown into the fire. Shedding all the things I thought I knew, all the ways I assumed I knew myself and the life I worked so hard to create and live and make real. But when we wake up to the Truth we’ve been working so hard to avoid for so long — lying to even ourselves —, and everything comes crashing down to reveal itself in raw form, there is then a real chance to fully live, to wholly heal, to heal holy. ••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••
My darkest days were darker than I knew could be possible and there are still very dark days ahead... part of me doesn’t wish the all consuming fire on anyone...but another part of me wishes it on everyone because I’m already starting to see there is true wholeness and hope and good on the other side. The other side isn’t half living half dying: the other side is whole. The other side isn’t here for me yet but I get small tastes of the peace and the safety of His goodness, through being honest and facing my painful Truths.
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Im finding I don’t really trust myself anymore, after waking up to my full reality. But one thing I keep in the foresight is: I am still in His hands. Great is His faithfulness. His promise still stands. His wisdom is available to anyone who seeks it and is wholesome, good, more valuable than rubies. The fire is still here, but I can see more than just fire for the first time in two months. I can see Hope.
••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••
#nataliebrennerwrites #grief #loss #lampandlight #mendingthesoul #healingjourney #claimingcourage  #beingbrave #healing #spiritualjourney #spiritualhealinh #healingmyself #wholeness #heal #wakeup #theundoing #proverbs #wisdom #warrior #survivor
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This Undeserved Life   — memoir

This Undeserved Life — memoir

Wholeness Despite the Brokenness   — download a free grief guide

Wholeness Despite the Brokenness — download a free grief guide

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Wholeness Despite the Brokenness — paperback workbook on Amazon

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If I Can Write A Book So Can You – download a free writing and publishing guide

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