My bath tub has never been so repulsive.
There is actual mildew and mold growing in the window sill (who puts an old crappy window with split wood inside a shower?) and the ceramic lining of the tub where there should be caulking. I posted what I thought to be a super cute picture of tub-time with my boys and was later mortified that you could see so much of my nasty bath tub.
Granted, the landlord has a grungy yellowy shower making the thing entirely gross-feeling, but the mold and hair and dirt? I could scrub that (if I didn'y have weekly writing deadlines, a photography business, laundry to tend to, dishes to scrub, food to cook, oh...and two dependent-upon-me babies who I need to snuggle).
When we had one baby, the floors weren't as filthy and the bathroom wasn't so begrimed. Toss another hard-worked-for baby at me less than 5 months later and the story is entirely different.
Laundry piling like Egyptian pyramids, dishes petrifying crumbs, chunks of I-dont-know-what have become a part of my home, and the floors are filthy.
This is maybe one load of the seventeen million I've done in the last five minutes.
There are diapers in every room and area of this small house because we are apparently lazy, nasty savages that don't care about what our home smells or looks like.
The last five years until about 9 beloved months ago, my home had pretty clean bathrooms, laundry done on a schedule, a perpetually empty sink, and yada yada yada, I even mopped once a week. I even..wait..cleaned my base boards.
Because when you're waiting for little grimy hands and messy feet and chaos to join your family, you spend time cleaning and hoping your home won't be this clean soon because you're too busy snuggling a baby (or two). At least, I did.
I'm reminded time and time again that the filthy floors are a product of sweet snuggles and diapers needing changed and...babies.
Sometimes the pee splatters on the mirror next to the boys's changing table makes me tear up because: babies. Ain't no time to keep my house immaculate and expect meals on time when you're attempting this privileged life of Mama. At least, for me. But, maybe I'm the only hot-mess of a mom trying to figure it all out. My gut says otherwise.
The all-nighters are a constant strand of nights in a row right now and if I spend my time bouncing and feeding teething babies all night, only to do dishes, clean filthy floors, and fold all the laundry during the day...I will explode. I need the sweet snuggles to keep me going. I need to lay between the babies while they sleep at the same time, even if for just one nap a day.
The snuggles so sweet keep my heart soft. This job of being a mama isn't easy. It's tough and it's revealing to me how incredibly patient I can be and how incredibly impatient I can be. It's revealing how many things are calling for my attention and how easy it is to poorly prioritize. And how bad I am at being a rock star house cleaning-errand running-food making-budget conscious-all-the-other-things-MOM-AND-WIFE. It's showing me the cracks within myself and the constant grace that fills them.
If motherhood is anything, it is sanctifying.
I need the snuggles. Snuggles are good for me, snuggles are good for baby. Snuggles will not hurt and I will not regret them.
While the filthy floors increase their grime, the writing deadlines are shoved at the seams, and the photos are begging to be edited, I am trying so hard to enjoy every sweet snuggle in between and during and, often, instead-of.
I am constantly pausing to remind myself how quickly this year has already been lived and that these boys will never be this small again. The pressure to keep our home picked up, meet the deadlines, make and eat food weighs on me, but not as much as the reality that I only have so little time with these boys as babies.
Soon they'll be running and riding bikes up and down the street. Before we know it, we'll have graduates.
The laundry will always be dirty, needing rotated, ready to be folded. Who says you can't go comando or wear the same clothes for two days straight? Or is that just me...?..
The dishes will continue to petrify crumbs and we may become the family that wastes and ruins things because of paper plates and plastic forks, but snuggles are to be had, right?
The floors...the tub...all the things. I'll do my best to keep the nasty at a minimum but I'm attempting to keep the sweet snuggles as priority over cleaning. And I hope you feel the freedom to do so too.
These are the days. The sweet, sweet, extremely difficult, entirely exhausting, filthy floored and sweet snuggly days.
Saw this on the good ole FB this morn and thought it fit nicely:
One of my biggest fears as a writer and a sharer is that my voice is misheard or misunderstood. Probably much like every other person. I am not complaining about being a mama. I love it.